falling into truth

My eyes try to burn the image of his face into my memory as he stares into my eyes. Will this be the last time he is here?
I knew at one point that this is what I wanted but now that its here - is it right? Will I ever know if it is right?
I do love him. I have never had feelings for anyone as I had for him. But where have they gone? Is it the progression of relationships, that things come in and out as seasons do?
I miss the spring.
But the winter produces such strength. Why do I feel so weak?
The words were truth that came from my lips, or at least I hope they were. I don't feel that I truly know anything anymore. I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out and I was so sure. I was ready to give everything I had.
What happened? Why have I been born with an eternal doubt? Maybe I am one of those who God blesses to be single. Is that where He wants me?
But I feel so - -complete with him; with anyone.

I hate how movies make things out to be so dramatic and epic as if every relationship involves some radical motion. I don't want that so don't make me think that that is how it is going to be.

But I do love him. I have never met anyone so loving and generous and honest.
Will I ever be able to completely let myself go to the point of being able to love like he does?
I want to be back in the Spring. I knew what I wanted then.
I need a peace. A peace that's everlasting.
I want to go Home. Where we have no more choices to make because all we have to do is worship the living, worthy God.
I don't want to hurt him but I know I am. All I can say is that I love you. All I know is that I love you but I love Him more.

The Lord is Sovereign.

So tired

I hate when my mind races constantly. Every thought of the day becomes a battle it seems and its wearing me out.
I want to just breath and move on, but things just never feel good enough. Whether I'm watching a movie and comparing my situations the characters or if I'm in conversation with friends comparing my situations to theirs I'm always falling short, or feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

Why can't I get it through my head that things are different for every person, and I only need to compare to the One who will judge me at the end of the life?

I'm just too stubborn to understand or figure it out it seems.

The only viable solution is to run away and start over and hope things go better.