Moving on

Graduation has come gone and so has my undergrad college career. A moment that is commonly noted as a milestone in our lives. I am trying to remember each year and treasure the moments of joy, sorrow and contentment as I continue on in this journey. The Lord has been faithful through every season whether I realized it not and I am trusting that He will continue to be faithful in the years to come.

In a month and a half I will follow Him to Poland where a team of us will minister to polish children and staff of a Christian Organization. I am excited and anxious as this trip will be yet another milestone in the scrapbook. Larry and Chrissy Soderlund as well as Kenji and myself will be there for several weeks preforming any task that needs to be done and loving these precious children.

He is so faithful and full love.
I am eager to see the fruit from this time.

I will be using this blog as a way to communicate to my family and friends in the states and give updates on our work in Poland.

Your prayers are greatly appreciated as this is my first international missions trip!

falling into truth

My eyes try to burn the image of his face into my memory as he stares into my eyes. Will this be the last time he is here?
I knew at one point that this is what I wanted but now that its here - is it right? Will I ever know if it is right?
I do love him. I have never had feelings for anyone as I had for him. But where have they gone? Is it the progression of relationships, that things come in and out as seasons do?
I miss the spring.
But the winter produces such strength. Why do I feel so weak?
The words were truth that came from my lips, or at least I hope they were. I don't feel that I truly know anything anymore. I thought I did. I thought I had it all figured out and I was so sure. I was ready to give everything I had.
What happened? Why have I been born with an eternal doubt? Maybe I am one of those who God blesses to be single. Is that where He wants me?
But I feel so - -complete with him; with anyone.

I hate how movies make things out to be so dramatic and epic as if every relationship involves some radical motion. I don't want that so don't make me think that that is how it is going to be.

But I do love him. I have never met anyone so loving and generous and honest.
Will I ever be able to completely let myself go to the point of being able to love like he does?
I want to be back in the Spring. I knew what I wanted then.
I need a peace. A peace that's everlasting.
I want to go Home. Where we have no more choices to make because all we have to do is worship the living, worthy God.
I don't want to hurt him but I know I am. All I can say is that I love you. All I know is that I love you but I love Him more.

The Lord is Sovereign.

So tired

I hate when my mind races constantly. Every thought of the day becomes a battle it seems and its wearing me out.
I want to just breath and move on, but things just never feel good enough. Whether I'm watching a movie and comparing my situations the characters or if I'm in conversation with friends comparing my situations to theirs I'm always falling short, or feeling like I'm doing something wrong.

Why can't I get it through my head that things are different for every person, and I only need to compare to the One who will judge me at the end of the life?

I'm just too stubborn to understand or figure it out it seems.

The only viable solution is to run away and start over and hope things go better.

Ready to jump..no wait...yeah...I think so.

As time of prayer, thought and discussion have come and gone I finally feel at ease about a couple of things. (PRAISE GOD)
Though I may be scared of certain things now, there is no need of a committment anytime soon. How often do people my age forget about this? The pressures of society on the 20-somethings is rediculous. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.
I refuse to give in.

I want to jump -- into the excitement of the now, experience love without holding back. I want to say yes.
As scared as I may be, with slight hesitation I am oh so tired of fearing regret.

I'm ready to fall and rely on the Lord to guide me, to jump off of the balance beam as some may say.

forgetting what lies behind I press on to what lies ahead.

The Lord is good. I think I may be starting to really, honestly believe this.

In His grace.

Growing up already?

So as graduation is slowly but quickly approaching I once again find myself in a whirlwind of anxiety. It does not seem like 4 years have come and gone. The reality of life is staring me in the face and I want to run and hide under the blanket of my youth in my parents house. Is it bad to be this scared of not only graduating, but potentially getting married, finding a career and supporting myself completely?

I know it's exciting and I've been waiting for this time for 21 years, however I am finding out that the world we live in is not so sweet. Its a world with high divorce rates, no jobs avaiable and dissapointment around every corner. Yes I know this sounds terribly depressing and that the entire world isn't as horrible as I may make it out to be, but the truth of this situation is that I have never been so unsure, so scared in my entire life.

The only thing I am left to do is to stop and breathe. Realize that there is something bigger than the economy, bigger than a marriage and thats the only thing that I need to focus on. Jesus' grace surpasses every tiral I may face, every time I may fall, every decision I get wrong. I can only pray that my eyes will be on the One who is worth it all, the One who will hopefully say at the end "well done my good and faithful servent"